Wishing and Hoping and Thinking and Praying...

In the past several months if you have been reading my blog you may have noticed a trend... we fall in love with a house, we think we're getting said house... and then everything crashes and burns. Ok, so I'm being a bit dramatic, but that's what it has felt like to us! I'm stressed, I'm frustrated, I'm so ready to be done with this whole house hunting business. If this is stressful I can't imagine what house hunting for a house to PURCHASE will be like. UGH! Anyways... let me give you a bit of the back story first.

We moved into this apartment in April of 2010. ONE week after moving in I found out I was pregnant. First of all, if we had known we were pregnant prior to moving into this place, we would have looked elsewhere and found a house. I never wanted to raise my child in an apartment, but we lived... we made it work. NOW... we have neighbors that make us feel uncomfortable, they are loud, rude, and totally disrespectful. When you live in an apartment building you really should be courteous of those around you. You are NOT the only people in the building for crying out loud! I know my child screams... there's not much I can do about that. I can control how loud my music is, whether or not I choose to slam the door, or if I let my visitors ring the doorbell over and over and over (this is especially irritating when Boogie is finally down for a nap after fighting with her for an HOUR). Is that too much to ask? Ok. So, this past week we had decided to suck it up and stay put. There's always the chance that this time next year we will be moving away to wherever J finds a job as a Certified Dietary Manager. So yea, we can deal for a year right? Then I found this house. A remodeled 2 bedroom house in a town over the mountain for $100 LESS than what we're paying for this apartment. So of course I get all excited.

Fast-forward to today. We go to see the house, and it was seriously adorable. A little small, but doable. When I spoke with the couple who owned it last week I was told we would be the FIRST to see it since I was the FIRST to contact them. Well, lo and behold, a few other couples have already looked at it and put their applications in. Great. So I'm stressed again. Ugh. We are supposed to hear from them by tomorrow night or Wednesday morning as to whether or not it's ours. Until then we're going to look at ONE more house further down the mountain that is a bit nicer and has more storage and such for $50 less than what we're paying now. Please pray for us. I am trying very hard to lay all of this at the feet of God, but it's hard. I know He has a plan, I know He has everything laid out for us. Do you hear me Lord? You're stressing me out!

On a happier note, we got our taxes back this week and my school check (at least the majority of it) will be in my hands at the end of this week so we will have money to put back into our savings AND to buy some much needed new furniture. Goodbye Walmart furniture, hello real wood USED furniture. There's an amazing 'antique barn' in town that has a huge assortment of furniture, rugs, and odds and ends. I found a table and chairs that I am in LOVE with. It's very similar to a set I fell in love with at World Market, but the price is a good bit lower. We're also going to get a dresser and refurbish it as an entertainment center for the living room. Boogie won't leave anything alone these days so that will help with that problem a bit. We also need a new dresser for our room and one for Boogie's room... and I would like to find a new desk. This one broken feet, literally. We also need to find a washer and dryer if we get the first house we looked at... AND a freezer because we are hoping to buy a cow to stock up on meat. That's a lot... but I have high hopes from what we saw at the antique place today! Hurray!

The Ups and Downs of My Life

These past few weeks have just been up and down and up and down and up and down... this continuous pattern that is really stressing me out. The worst part however is that my wonderful, compassionate, LOVING husband (I have to remind myself of that) doesn't see how stressed I am. I do everything in my power to try and ease his stress, I bend over backwards to comfort him and allow him breathing time to relax. But when I'm stressed... where is he? Its bad enough that my family isn't in my life right now. It's bad enough that I'm having to plan the next big move in our lives because he can't handle it. Why is it so hard to see how stressed I am, and how scared I, like himself, am of this life changing decision and move. I really struggle with the knowledge that not only have my emotions been pushed aside by other people in my life, but now they're being pushed aside by my husband. I matter. I matter. I matter. I really do matter.

Struggling

I'm struggling tonight... to be content, thankful, calm, but most of all... I'm struggling to find understanding. I feel a little lost. I feel a lot lost actually. I feel alone, even though I know my Father is just a breathe away... I feel deserted by family and even a few friends. I feel forgotten. I feel abused. I feel... taken advantage of. I feel pushed aside... I can't even describe to you all the feelings I'm feeling... it's devastating and exhausting. I'm really just at a loss. What now Lord? What's next?

Midterms

I hate midterms. Especially midterms that just happen to appear out of the blue.... why don't these professors put the dates for midterms in their syllabi? Wouldn't that make sense? Ugh.

BLESSED!

Ok... we all do it... we worry, we stress, we try to figure out ways to "fix" things when what we should be doing is just laying it down for the Lord. I know I'm guilty... I'm probably guilty of this EVERY day. Don't tell me YOUR not guilty, because I know you are. (And believe me, you can ask my friend Hannah.. I am ALWAYS right.. hehe). Today was a bit stressful. I won't lie. My hubby was worried to death about bills this month, for whatever reason his boss keeps giving him extra days off... great? Wrong. It makes the paycheck smaller, and when paychecks get smaller, bills seem bigger... especially when you get a few unexpected bills in the mail. Woohoo! Well... so I worried about my honey today. I also spent the day with my favorite Flint Monsters and they were just having a hard day as well, but again we all have those days. But despite their bickering and pouty faces (especially Jesse's adorable pouty lip... I adore it, I can't help but smile... which in turn just makes him madder/sadder. But he's just SO cute!) they never cease to make my day better. Baby smiles help as well ofcourse, and good talks with my good friend, you know who you are ;-) . So yea. I'm blessed. I know I say it often in this blog, but it's true. And you are blessed as well, believe me. There are so many things that can go awry in our lives... if we could just let these things go, no matter how big or small and let the Lord take them on FOR us. We would all be in a better place. I hope I've been an encouragement to you today... because I know that if you had a day like I had today... I was blessed with some words of encouragement and understanding and it helped. A Lot. So I leave you with the same verse I posted yesterday, which is ironic because I read it over and over again last night, and yet I still didn't completely leave my stress to him today. So read it. And then read it again.... and yea... maybe you should read it a 3rd, 4th or possibly 5th time.


"Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him. He will be like a tree planted in the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought." Jeremiah 17:7-8 (NIV)

Stressed

So. I'm pretty aggravated at the moment... but I'm going to try to keep my cool long enough to write this blog and hope that maybe... just maybe I will cool down after venting.

My brother is an idiot. I decided to go spend the day with my parents while Justin worked 2nd shift today. Dylan got home around lunch time... from spending the night at a friend's grandmother's house (who is living in a nursing home)... and they weren't supposed to be there at all. They drank. Smoked pot. Etc etc. My brother is 18. Not of legal drinking age. And umm... last time I checked, marijuana is illegal. Does he get fussed at? No. Does he get in trouble? No. Does he get a lecture? Ofcourse not. No big deal. No consequences.

This is what gets me. When Dylan started smoking cigars I asked my parents... will he stop at cigars? They said yes. Then he started smoking cigarettes... I asked my parents, will he stop at cigarettes. They said sure! Then he started drinking. I asked my parents... will he stop at alcohol? Ofcourse! Now he's smoking pot. I ask my parents... will he stop at pot? Their answer... I don't know. Can you detect a pattern?

My mom is addicted to the show "Intervention" where a person who is addicted to drugs or alcohol is filmed and then at the end of the show their family participates in an intervention. EVERY single one of these people started out like my brother... but is anyone but me trying to stop him? No. At some point, either something horrible is going to happen to him or my mother is going to realize she's enabling him and won't be able to do a thing about it. So what now. What do I do? I'm lost. My baby brother is going to end up hurting himself and my family and there's nothing I can do.