Owning Myself

For a long time I've struggled with my body type.... I am average height but I am 200 lbs and self conscious! But who isn't right? Since I met Justin, my outlook on life and what I think about myself have drastically changed. I use to ONLY wear hoodies and jeans to school and other clothes that hid my body. I always struggled to find tops that were appropriate and fit my big boobs.... what a pain! Well this is where I am now. This is MY body. I OWN this body. I have curves. I am NOT skinny. And why is this so great? BECAUSE I'M PROUD OF MY BODY! I have been shopping A LOT at Old Navy and have found clothes that fit perfectly and they ARENT hoodies! LOL! I think its a shame that women feel like they have to be a certain size to be beautiful... I wish I had discovered myself while I was in high school! Thats all I really had to say.... I own myself now.... I own this body that God created..... its mine and I choose to love it just the way it is!

Home

Well, this is going to be a short post.... but Justin and I got back from our trip to the beach on Friday.... we had a BLAST. It was well worth the time and money getting down there! I snagged a new family to babysit... 3 girls. The oldest is 12, her name is Hana - she is only around occasionally. The younger two are 4 year old Ila and 1 1/2 year old Rosie. All 3 of them are great girls, and I really enjoy watching them! I have to go and take a placement test for school on the 15th... not looking forward to that. However, my friend Rachel, who has always been my go to person for school help is going to tutor me beforehand. Other than that.... I start summer staff for the conference center on the 25th and hoping to snag some more families to nanny for!


oh..... and i am going to be working on my voice, writing and guitar skills. i have put it off for way to long. i am hoping that maybe at some point i can sell my lyrics... i know that realistacally (sp?) my voice is not strong or good enough for me to ever sing my own songs professionally, no matter how much i want that.... so maybe, someone will enjoy my lyrics through someone else's vocals!

At a Loss

I have struggled with mine and my brother's relationship since..... well practically since birth. We aren't those siblings who grow up getting along and being all buddy buddy. We were quite the opposite. ALWAYS fighting. ALWAYS disagreeing. There's only a few occasions where I remember being ok with him. Now that I'm older and I realize how important family is, I try to be a better big sister. I'm very protective of him and I care about him more than he could ever know. I'm so incredibly worried about him, unlike me, he is very much a follower. In high school I was somewhat of a follower, but since I'm very outspoken and question EVERYTHING I fended for myself when needed and NEVER conformed to what people thought I should be. If mom thought I should dress preppy, I dressed in all black with chains hanging off my pants and blue gel in my hair. That's just who I was. My brother.... he is quite the opposite. He's outspoken alright, but instead of debating on what he TRULY believes, he debates on what everyone else thinks he should believe. It breaks my heart knowing all the things he could be doing, and knowing that underneath the surface is this incredibly kind and loving guy who just wants to be loved and fit in. Why are teenagers so cruel? Why can't they be more accepting?

Happy Birthday John Adam!

A lot of people don't know that I actually have an older brother. His name was John Adam and he was born on April 8, 1987 and passed away shortly after. I don't know exactly all the details because my mom doesn't like to talk about it much, but I know that he was born early at 6 months. And during that time, there wasn't a lot they could have done for a preemie. One thing my mom has told me about her time with Adam was about my Papaw. Papaw was never one to cry, he didn't show a whole lot of emotions, but mom says that when Papaw held Adam in his arms knowing that he wasn't going to live that he had tears in his eyes. I find comfort in knowing that now Papaw and Adam are together in heaven celebrating Adam's birthday ... not only his physical birthday but his heavenly birthday. Some people that I've told about Adam tell me that I shouldn't consider him as a brother because he wasn't a fully developed baby, or that because he didn't survive and didn't have a life that I shouldn't mourn him.... and I think how DARE they? Adam was my parents first son, their first joy and no one can ever change that. I have a big brother, and he would be 22 this year. He is, was and will forever be my big brother. I haven't been pregnant, but I know that once you discover you have a child growing in your womb that he/she is your child whether or not they make it to full term or not. Adam was a miracle baby, even if he didn't survive. If he had gone to full term, my mother wouldn't have gotten pregnant with me. I was born 11 months later in March 1988.

Happy Birthday Big Brother, give Papaw hugs & kisses for me. You are missed!

Decisions Decisions Decisions

"And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him." - Hebrews 11:6

I'm at a point in my life where I really have to sit down and make the decision on WHAT I want to do for the rest of my life. I'm going back to school this fall and I am STOKED! Justin & I made the decision to stay at my inlaws while I am in school so that I can be JUST a student. I quit my job as a night auditor today, which really ticked off my boss, but there was NOTHING beneficial about that job! I have worked no more than 2 days a week, and yes the hours will pick up during the summer, but how does that help me during off season? So we will be living at the inlaws for a while, I will be unemployed and a fulltime student. I am working this summer ofcourse, this will be my 3rd summer in childcare for summer staff (before that I worked 3 summers in the cafe). I'm also considering taking a job offer I got at church to watch two kids during the day for the summer. She & her husband have their own business and need someone to watch their kids basically during school hours. My mom had both of her kids in kindergarten, and they are GREAT kids. But again.... the point I was trying to make was that I have to make a decision on what I want to go to school for. Ofcourse, I don't have to make this HUGE decision immediately, but if I make it sooner than later there's a better chance of me getting into the program early, taking the necessary classes and graduating early!

I've thought about lots of different career paths... some are better than others and surprisingly I have an interest in some I never though I would. I'll go down the list... The first is accounting, which sounds crazy coming from me who HATED math in high school. But I actually enjoy it! I did a lot of different things involving accounts and balancing and such at the law firm I worked at and I looked forward to doing it! LOL! The next one was Business Administration. Which would be for a career in a bank as a loan officer, human resources, or just a general supervisor. I liked being a receptionist (atleast the job aspect, ha) and the organization and everything that it took to do the job. The next would be Early Childhood/Teacher Associate. Most anyone that knows me knows that my life pretty much revolves around caring for children. At the moment I watch my friend Janelle's kids 2 days a week and I help with childcare at a church event on Tuesday nights. This degree would allow me to work everywhere from a childcare setting to being a Teacher's Assistant. If I did this, I figure eventually I could go to work as a teacher's assistant and go to evening classes at another school that offers an adult access program to get my teaching degree and possibly even my masters in teaching. But that makes me wary considering the economy today. I've also thought about Human Services Technology/Social Services. The degree isn't for a social worker, but it would allow to do much of what a Social Worker would do for children-elderly who need different ranges of care including, but not limited to, health, mental health, substance abuse, developmental delays and disabilities, public assistance/ welfare, case management, civil and criminal justice, domestic violence, homelessness/ housing, grief, death and dying, trauma, abuse and neglect, immigrant-based service delivery, religious-based service delivery, school-based service delivery, recreation-based service delivery, veteran’s issues, women’s issues, vocational training and placement. I like to help people, and I could totally turn that into a huge ministry! There are several medical field degrees I'm interested in also, they are Medical Coding, Medical Assisting, Medical Office Administration, Sonography & Radiography. And I could most likely double or triple major in these considering a lot of the classes are the same. Those are a lot of choices, and suprisingly they all would put me in a career that not only I could love, but would give Justin and me a better life someday.

It's a huge decision, but I'm ready to finally make it! Now I just gotta narrow them all down, ha!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take."
-Proverbs 3:5-6

Disappointments and Sandy Beaches

You know those people who just can't seem to get things together.... because everytime something goes right, 5 things go wrong? Well WE are one of those couples... we were sooo excited about the prospects of buying a house, we talked to the loan officer and he was very optimistic about everything UNTIL he pulled our credit report. For the loan we were going to get each person has to have a 620. Not a 619.... a 620, and there are NO exceptions. Well low and behold.... I my median score was a 618... thats right. TWO points short. Why? These were his exact words, "Well, my guess is that maybe you just haven't been around long enough to build up any credit." Um.... ok? I'm 21, I've bought a car, paid off a credit card (used for MOVING) and I have NO other debt. So my credit score is low, but not because I'm in over my head with bills and lack of money, but because I'm 21. That's pretty amazing don't you think? We were approved for WELL over the budget we set for ourselves and then the credit police had to knock us back a couple hundred feet. I'm ticked, I'm upset, and I'm aggravated at myself, even though I can't do anything about it and it's not technically my fault... I still have that feeling that I am the one holding us back from buying a house! UGHEAWFGjaewlgj.

So anyways, some good did come out of this I guess. Instead of doing what we should do, saving money, buckling down and finding a great rental... we splurged and we're going to the beach. We NEED this. We NEED to get away. We NEED to lay on the beach. put our feet in the gulf and RELAX. I have NEVER been so stressed out in my life. So yea. I haven't had a single person NOT tell us we're being irrational and stupid, but honestly I just don't care anymore! I'll be working TWO jobs this summer, and so will Justin I'm pretty sure we can handle going away for one week.

Vent over. Good day.

House Hunting

Well, we checked out the house I posted earlier.... and it was great.... on the inside. The neighborhood was pretty awful, so we're looking into some other places! There are several but I'd love to get my friend's and family's input!

Here is House A:










This house has been COMPLETELY remodeled, and its gorgeous. It's small, but it has a pretty good sized yard with a creek out back. It's 2BR/2Bth, 750sq/ft.





This is House B:










I love this house, it was built in the 20's and still has a little bit of that charm, lol! It's been partially remodeled, but obviously we'd need to repaint.... it's a little dark for my taste! It's 1 1/2 story on 0.6acres, 3BR/1Bth. The top floor is 500sq/ft and the main floor is 1557sq/ft, so it's pretty large!




This is House C:




We don't know much about this house, but we're still interested in looking at it. The only picture the realtor gives us is the one you see above. It's on 1 acre of land, 3BR/1Bth, 1150 sq/ft.



This is House D:












This is actually a singlewide that was remodeled and added on too. They did an AMAZING job! It's 3BR/2Bth, 1215 sq/ft on .23acres. It's already been vented for a woodstove (which is awesome) but we don't entirely like it's location.... it's not a bad neighborhood, just further from our hometown then we would prefer!



This is House E:









This house is one of our favorites, it's a 2BR/1Bth on a small lot but the yard is pretty good sized. It's 768 sq/ft and has been remodeled. It's in a GREAT location near a friend's home, lol.



This is House F:







This is a 2BR/1Bth house with 980 sq/ft. It's on about .17acres, this is one of Justin's favorites, lol!


Well, those are all the houses we're hoping to look into. We meet with the loan officer next Thursday, and hopefully we'll get approved for the loan we want and can meet with Rosie to check these houses out! Please be praying for us, this is something we thought could never happen for us.... and there's a good chance that it will. We are BLESSED.

A HUGE ANNOUNCEMENT!

There are some HUGE changes coming for us! HUGE, AMAZING, EXCITING changes! We've been talking to a good friend of mine (it's actually my childhood bestfriend's mother) who is a realtor about purchasing a house. We HATE renting, because it feels like that money goes down the drain every month! Why not invest that money into a house? Well, we found a house we LOVE that is SO affordable.... and we also found out today that there is a loan (that just last got approved for 2009) for first time homebuyers.... I AM ECSTATIC! It's not for sure yet... but there's a possibility that by this summer we will be the happy owners of a home :-D Here's a few pics below.... the inside has bright orange and blue walls (we WILL be painting them lol if we get this house) and ofcourse, being an older home it needs a little work. Snickers has a good sized yard to run around in and we would have a fenced in yard if we get it! Start praying!!!

Anger

I have so much anger in my heart today and no matter what I do... I just can't get it to go away. I know the Devil is pushing at me with full force today, and Lord I wish you would make him stop. For the past week or so I've been having dreams about a former bf, in every dream he tells me how he made a huge mistake and that I should be with him and not my husband. I argue with him, and I always wake up with tears out of frustration and anger towards this person even though I know it's not really him doing this to me. I had HUGE feelings for this person, but not nearly as huge as the feelings I have for my husband. So for this past week all this anger has built up and I've taken it out on my husband... although there are days where he doesn't make it easy for me NOT to be angry with him. I'm just so frustrated and annoyed... and I can't take this anymore! I hate when my emotions get played with... especially when the Devil is involved. I could be wrong, maybe God is trying to teach me something, but I have yet to figure out what. I just can't take it.... I'm stressed as it is. Pray for me... pray that I will get through all this hectic and tiring emotional stress.

So Here We Go....

It's taken me a long time to figure out who I am, who I want to be, and who God created me to be. I'm still not completely there, but I guess you could say that in a way I get glimpses of who I will be. My job doesn't describe who I am, nor does my residence, my family or even my husband for that matter. If you don't know me.... this includes talking to me a few times or knowing of me.... if you don't TRULY know me, then you haven't a faintest clue of who I am. Sometimes I think people get wrapped up in thinking they know someone inside and out without ever actually having a heart to heart conversation with them. They know FACTS... such as "She's a freshman at NC State" or "She got married right after high school" or even "He used to drink." That's now who any of these people are..... those are things they've done... things that they have experienced but in no way does it describe who they are. There are so many people out there who think they know who I am, they assume that since they have been in my life and experienced different events with me that they know who I am. You're probably asking yourself.... what the heck is this girl talking about!?!?! Let me ask you this..... do you know who you are? Do you know who you truly are? Or are you just a girl who got married after high school.... or a guy who used to drink? I used to be that person.... I told myself that I was that girl who got married young... the girl who used to play music and sing in the hallways at school. I was that girl who dropped out of college... but I'm not. These are things that I've DONE. Want to know who I am? I'm still learning that myself.... but this is what I have so far. I'm an unbelievably UNWORTHY child of God. I am a woman who loves this crazy dorky man and doesn't care what anyone thinks about that! I am a woman who is going to be a mommy someday, who is going to cherish every moment with her children and teach them that a Jewish carpenter named Jesus gave His life to save their beautiful souls. I don't just think I am that person.... I KNOW that's who I am.... what I've done in my life (right or wrong) doesn't describe who I am. My relationship with Jesus Christ does.... and the paths I take THROUGH Him describe who I am..... So let me ask you again. Do you know who YOU are?