God is in Control Sarah!

I have constantly struggled with fully relying on Christ from day 1. I am a control freak. There I admitted it. I like things to go MY way, and if they don't go my way, I totally freak. (Just ask my husband! LOL) I am working on finding a way to remind myself to let things go and let God handle it. Something I have thought about a lot is getting a tattoo on my wrist, obviously at the moment I can't afford one, so it's out of the question, but it's still something I think about. Don't you ever feel like you need a constant reminder that says to you, "Remember GOD is in control."? I thought about getting some sort of bracelet or ring that could remind me, but I have just never gotten around to it. I'm struggling with contentment, I'm struggling with letting go of control, and I'm struggling with listening to God's call for me. I feel like my life is a constant back and forth pattern where I am constantly changing my mind because I think I'm doing what God's asking, but then I'm thinking maybe that's not what He meant? I'm trying whole heartedly (is that a word?) to listen to Him, and find His words for me... but it is so hard! Another thing I am really struggling with is comparing my life to those around me... I have to stop doing that. My life is grand, I have an amazing husband, precious puppies who I adore, a roof over my head and food in my pantry... yes there are things missing from my life that I still want more than anything, but I have to keep telling myself that for now, I am content. I need to be content. God is in control. Perhaps I should just go find a permanent marker and right God is in control on my wrist.... maybe more pondering from me later.



My entire body is aching, my head is pounding, my nose is running, my throat is swollen from coughing, I'm cold and sweaty and I'm so dizzy I literally crawled to the kitchen to get some water this morning. I have been like this since Saturday afternoon. I started feeling "odd" Saturday morning. Luckily I'm on Fall Break until Wednesday... unluckily I have a lot of assignments due on Wednesday that I haven't even been able to start on due to this illness. I am currently laying on the couch watching the news... I've got about 5 blankets on me and I am still shivering... Mudgett is curled around my head and Snickers is wrapped around my feet. I'm so over this. UGH.


Way Overwhelmed

I wish things could be easier... just for even a week. I need a job yesterday. Yes, I have had many many interviews, I even got offered a few positions... but what good is a job if I'm driving across the county and only working enough hours to pay for the gas to get to that job and home? Or what good is a job that requires you sell credit cards to earn your hours... that is so unreliable! I put in two resumes/applications in the past week. One application was for Aldi, they pay REALLY well. The other I sent my resume to was for a church about 45 minutes from here for a position that consists of helping with the youth, worship and administrative duties. I'd love either job. I called Aldi this morning, and apparently they are still taking apps and not ready to call anyone just yet. I have gotten several emails from the pastor at the church, but they are all emails with additional questions about my work experience and history. I am so frustrated, overwhelmed and exhausted with applying for jobs. And honestly life is just pissing me off right now. I love my husband. He is GREAT. But I don't think he understands how much work I'm putting into school right now. Going to school is a full time job with overtime. If you add up the hours I am in class with the hours I am studying and doing homework... on average I'm working almost 60 hours a week. NO KIDDING. I was a little alarmed with that number when I added it up! And I have to get a PT job. I have told my husband over and over, please keep looking for a PT job in case I can't find one... and obviously I haven't found one yet. But apparently it would be too much for him to work 2 jobs... but its NOT too much for me to do my 60 hrs of school AND work a PT job? I'm sorry but I think that's a little backwards. I know he blames me for the situation we're in. He says it's not my fault, but I know that he still blames me. I'm the one that took the job in TN, I'm the one that got laid off, and I'm the one who has yet to find a job. My decision to go back to school was a long thought out plan, I prayed about it and talked with my friends and family about it... and I came to the final decision to go back to school to make a better life for my husband and I... and our future family. But I don't think Justin realizes that I can't just breeze through school and get my degree. I have to work my butt off! I am so tired of everything that is going on right now. There are some days when I just want to throw up my hands and say "I quit!" to school, to church, to all the things I have commited myself too. Today is just one of those days that I want to quit... and give up. Days like today are days when I feel like God is testing me... and frankly I hate it. I'm ready for a new life. I'm tired of looking at other people's lives and saying "Why not me?" Why can't we get out of this rut? Why can't we get out of this hole we have dug for ourselves? I have cried out for my Lord so many times, and even though I know He hears me... it doesn't feel like He's listening. I need a day of good things. Why does earth have to be so crappy? Days like today I want to grab Eve and slap her a few good times. I'm just ready for some changes. I'm thankful we have a roof over our heads and that we have food to eat... but I'm just hoping we continue to have those things.
Also, two days from now would have been my Papaw's 84th birthday... I miss you Papaw, Happy Birthday!


Beyond Aggravated

Alright. If you don't want to listen to my venting then STOP reading now. I have volunteered my time... well technically I'm getting paid, but the it's not enough to really even show WHAT I have to do when I volunteer. I can't go into much detail, but I can say that it is a bible study for children (fun right?) during another kind of bible study for the parents and other adults. I really enjoy working with these kids (atleast most of the time... there are teenagers also, so that makes it a little more difficult), but we have started a new lesson plan. The lesson plan is GREAT, it really is, I like it, and I think the KIDS will like it. Notice I said kids. But I don't just have kids in this group, I have a toddler, elementary KIDS and preteens and teens. So. This program, like I said is great for kids, the preteens and teens will most definately turn their noses up to it... I say this because I know that at their age I would have turned my nose up. So I decided I would revamp it a bit for the teenagers, use the leader guide as literally a guide but make the lesson appropriate for all ages and change up the schedule a bit to fit the kids I take care of. But oh no. I can't do that. The head hancho (sp?) said that by using this program it HAS to be followed step by step, no going over the boundaries... zippo zadda. zip. I asked for a budget... ERRR. not granted. So what am I supposed to do then? Isn't the whole POINT to get all the kids psyched and involved with the program? To be excited about serving and learning about the Lord? Isn't that the purpose? I'm sorry, but with ANY lesson plan, sometimes they just don't work for all children, and this is one of those cases. What the crap am I supposed to do? Now with that said, I really respect this head hancho person. I have known this person my ENTIRE life. But really?

Let me give an example as to what I wanted to change for THIS week. Each night is scheduled in 15-40 min increments, one of the 30 min increments is center time. I only have 10 kids that show up, and they all rarely show up every week. There are about 6 that show up almost every week. Centers (3 centers to be exact) is to much for a small group...and to be honest some of the centers are TOO advanced for the younger ones, and too juvenile for the older ones. So I thought, well I wanted to incorporate a "food craft" because what kid doesn't like playing with their food? So instead of the centers the program offers I decided to do "mud". What is mud? Chocolate pudding, crushed oreos, gummy worms and preferably make it all SUGAR FREE. I got a definite no to this. And frankly, I almost want to bring lots of sugary things and let this head hancho person deal with the children for one night and see if he can get everyone hyped up and loving the lesson plan.

Let's just say I really hope I get a job soon that requires me to work evenings... then I really will say sayanara!