At a Loss

I have struggled with mine and my brother's relationship since..... well practically since birth. We aren't those siblings who grow up getting along and being all buddy buddy. We were quite the opposite. ALWAYS fighting. ALWAYS disagreeing. There's only a few occasions where I remember being ok with him. Now that I'm older and I realize how important family is, I try to be a better big sister. I'm very protective of him and I care about him more than he could ever know. I'm so incredibly worried about him, unlike me, he is very much a follower. In high school I was somewhat of a follower, but since I'm very outspoken and question EVERYTHING I fended for myself when needed and NEVER conformed to what people thought I should be. If mom thought I should dress preppy, I dressed in all black with chains hanging off my pants and blue gel in my hair. That's just who I was. My brother.... he is quite the opposite. He's outspoken alright, but instead of debating on what he TRULY believes, he debates on what everyone else thinks he should believe. It breaks my heart knowing all the things he could be doing, and knowing that underneath the surface is this incredibly kind and loving guy who just wants to be loved and fit in. Why are teenagers so cruel? Why can't they be more accepting?


Happy Birthday John Adam!

A lot of people don't know that I actually have an older brother. His name was John Adam and he was born on April 8, 1987 and passed away shortly after. I don't know exactly all the details because my mom doesn't like to talk about it much, but I know that he was born early at 6 months. And during that time, there wasn't a lot they could have done for a preemie. One thing my mom has told me about her time with Adam was about my Papaw. Papaw was never one to cry, he didn't show a whole lot of emotions, but mom says that when Papaw held Adam in his arms knowing that he wasn't going to live that he had tears in his eyes. I find comfort in knowing that now Papaw and Adam are together in heaven celebrating Adam's birthday ... not only his physical birthday but his heavenly birthday. Some people that I've told about Adam tell me that I shouldn't consider him as a brother because he wasn't a fully developed baby, or that because he didn't survive and didn't have a life that I shouldn't mourn him.... and I think how DARE they? Adam was my parents first son, their first joy and no one can ever change that. I have a big brother, and he would be 22 this year. He is, was and will forever be my big brother. I haven't been pregnant, but I know that once you discover you have a child growing in your womb that he/she is your child whether or not they make it to full term or not. Adam was a miracle baby, even if he didn't survive. If he had gone to full term, my mother wouldn't have gotten pregnant with me. I was born 11 months later in March 1988.

Happy Birthday Big Brother, give Papaw hugs & kisses for me. You are missed!


Decisions Decisions Decisions

"And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him." - Hebrews 11:6

I'm at a point in my life where I really have to sit down and make the decision on WHAT I want to do for the rest of my life. I'm going back to school this fall and I am STOKED! Justin & I made the decision to stay at my inlaws while I am in school so that I can be JUST a student. I quit my job as a night auditor today, which really ticked off my boss, but there was NOTHING beneficial about that job! I have worked no more than 2 days a week, and yes the hours will pick up during the summer, but how does that help me during off season? So we will be living at the inlaws for a while, I will be unemployed and a fulltime student. I am working this summer ofcourse, this will be my 3rd summer in childcare for summer staff (before that I worked 3 summers in the cafe). I'm also considering taking a job offer I got at church to watch two kids during the day for the summer. She & her husband have their own business and need someone to watch their kids basically during school hours. My mom had both of her kids in kindergarten, and they are GREAT kids. But again.... the point I was trying to make was that I have to make a decision on what I want to go to school for. Ofcourse, I don't have to make this HUGE decision immediately, but if I make it sooner than later there's a better chance of me getting into the program early, taking the necessary classes and graduating early!

I've thought about lots of different career paths... some are better than others and surprisingly I have an interest in some I never though I would. I'll go down the list... The first is accounting, which sounds crazy coming from me who HATED math in high school. But I actually enjoy it! I did a lot of different things involving accounts and balancing and such at the law firm I worked at and I looked forward to doing it! LOL! The next one was Business Administration. Which would be for a career in a bank as a loan officer, human resources, or just a general supervisor. I liked being a receptionist (atleast the job aspect, ha) and the organization and everything that it took to do the job. The next would be Early Childhood/Teacher Associate. Most anyone that knows me knows that my life pretty much revolves around caring for children. At the moment I watch my friend Janelle's kids 2 days a week and I help with childcare at a church event on Tuesday nights. This degree would allow me to work everywhere from a childcare setting to being a Teacher's Assistant. If I did this, I figure eventually I could go to work as a teacher's assistant and go to evening classes at another school that offers an adult access program to get my teaching degree and possibly even my masters in teaching. But that makes me wary considering the economy today. I've also thought about Human Services Technology/Social Services. The degree isn't for a social worker, but it would allow to do much of what a Social Worker would do for children-elderly who need different ranges of care including, but not limited to, health, mental health, substance abuse, developmental delays and disabilities, public assistance/ welfare, case management, civil and criminal justice, domestic violence, homelessness/ housing, grief, death and dying, trauma, abuse and neglect, immigrant-based service delivery, religious-based service delivery, school-based service delivery, recreation-based service delivery, veteran’s issues, women’s issues, vocational training and placement. I like to help people, and I could totally turn that into a huge ministry! There are several medical field degrees I'm interested in also, they are Medical Coding, Medical Assisting, Medical Office Administration, Sonography & Radiography. And I could most likely double or triple major in these considering a lot of the classes are the same. Those are a lot of choices, and suprisingly they all would put me in a career that not only I could love, but would give Justin and me a better life someday.

It's a huge decision, but I'm ready to finally make it! Now I just gotta narrow them all down, ha!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take."
-Proverbs 3:5-6


Disappointments and Sandy Beaches

You know those people who just can't seem to get things together.... because everytime something goes right, 5 things go wrong? Well WE are one of those couples... we were sooo excited about the prospects of buying a house, we talked to the loan officer and he was very optimistic about everything UNTIL he pulled our credit report. For the loan we were going to get each person has to have a 620. Not a 619.... a 620, and there are NO exceptions. Well low and behold.... I my median score was a 618... thats right. TWO points short. Why? These were his exact words, "Well, my guess is that maybe you just haven't been around long enough to build up any credit." Um.... ok? I'm 21, I've bought a car, paid off a credit card (used for MOVING) and I have NO other debt. So my credit score is low, but not because I'm in over my head with bills and lack of money, but because I'm 21. That's pretty amazing don't you think? We were approved for WELL over the budget we set for ourselves and then the credit police had to knock us back a couple hundred feet. I'm ticked, I'm upset, and I'm aggravated at myself, even though I can't do anything about it and it's not technically my fault... I still have that feeling that I am the one holding us back from buying a house! UGHEAWFGjaewlgj.

So anyways, some good did come out of this I guess. Instead of doing what we should do, saving money, buckling down and finding a great rental... we splurged and we're going to the beach. We NEED this. We NEED to get away. We NEED to lay on the beach. put our feet in the gulf and RELAX. I have NEVER been so stressed out in my life. So yea. I haven't had a single person NOT tell us we're being irrational and stupid, but honestly I just don't care anymore! I'll be working TWO jobs this summer, and so will Justin I'm pretty sure we can handle going away for one week.

Vent over. Good day.