Feeling Out of Sorts

As the title says... I'm just feeling all out of sorts today. Boogie is inching closer and closer to two years old and the closer she gets to the terrible twos the naughtier and more mischievous she becomes. Today she is driving me INSANE. I'm at a complete loss as to what I am supposed to do with her. I refuse to be a parent who spanks her children... say what you want, but I think it's wrong. Time outs seem to work most of the time, but when she's in the mood she is in today, time outs just make her laugh. Which in turn just makes me even more frustrated then I already was!

Trying to get my endless amount of homework done today has been absolutely horrendous. I've resorted to watching movies ALL DAY. I never do that with her unless we're not feeling well. I hate doing that. I hate using the TV as a "babysitter" as many would call it. I know she doesn't understand why mommy is reading and taking notes and on the computer all the time, so I try to take breaks (like I am now... although she decided this time she didn't want to play with mommy... hence this blog post) and spend one on one time with her.

The words "stop" and "no" are completely pointless around here. They make no difference to her if she is told that. Sitting her in timeout and explaining with positive words why she shouldn't do something is pointless because she just giggles and laughs and says "mommy.... mommy.... mommy." She got in trouble for hitting me today, that was the only time she cried over getting in trouble. However, I was in tears because she really did HURT me and I think that upset her more than actually being put in timeout and being told why hitting is something we do not do.

So I've got all of these toddler things going on, endless amounts of schoolwork to be done... the house is an absolute disaster because frankly at the moment I don't have time. Thankfully J is wonderful and he understands and tries to help. And really, I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I'm missing my friends who just aren't around anymore, I'm missing my clean house that I kept up with all summer, I'm tired of being stuck inside with this crazy monster child of mine (I say that in love, I call her my monster all of the time), and I'm over being pregnant. Bubby's due date needs to just come on faster than it already has because then I'll be pretty much done with classes, we'll be closer to Christmas, and the faster we get done with Boogie's 2nd birthday then the closer we will be to being done with these terrible twos. I hope. I don't like rushing life, it goes by fast enough as it is... but I'm tired. And frustrated. And a little lonely. I miss my husband being home more. I miss cool weather without mosquitoes attacking, and I miss the ease of toting Boogie around in a wrap when I want to go out... which is still possible, but not as comfortable the larger Bubby gets.

And that's it really. I just needed to vent and escape homework for 10 minutes. On a more positive note, I checked my mailbox around lunchtime and my coupons for the UnReal Candy arrived! I headed to CVS to get the candy and they were on sale for 2 for $2, so I got all 5 flavors to try and review! I even have some leftover coupons, so we'll see if I decide to keep them or give them away ;-)

Way Overwhelmed

I wish things could be easier... just for even a week. I need a job yesterday. Yes, I have had many many interviews, I even got offered a few positions... but what good is a job if I'm driving across the county and only working enough hours to pay for the gas to get to that job and home? Or what good is a job that requires you sell credit cards to earn your hours... that is so unreliable! I put in two resumes/applications in the past week. One application was for Aldi, they pay REALLY well. The other I sent my resume to was for a church about 45 minutes from here for a position that consists of helping with the youth, worship and administrative duties. I'd love either job. I called Aldi this morning, and apparently they are still taking apps and not ready to call anyone just yet. I have gotten several emails from the pastor at the church, but they are all emails with additional questions about my work experience and history. I am so frustrated, overwhelmed and exhausted with applying for jobs. And honestly life is just pissing me off right now. I love my husband. He is GREAT. But I don't think he understands how much work I'm putting into school right now. Going to school is a full time job with overtime. If you add up the hours I am in class with the hours I am studying and doing homework... on average I'm working almost 60 hours a week. NO KIDDING. I was a little alarmed with that number when I added it up! And I have to get a PT job. I have told my husband over and over, please keep looking for a PT job in case I can't find one... and obviously I haven't found one yet. But apparently it would be too much for him to work 2 jobs... but its NOT too much for me to do my 60 hrs of school AND work a PT job? I'm sorry but I think that's a little backwards. I know he blames me for the situation we're in. He says it's not my fault, but I know that he still blames me. I'm the one that took the job in TN, I'm the one that got laid off, and I'm the one who has yet to find a job. My decision to go back to school was a long thought out plan, I prayed about it and talked with my friends and family about it... and I came to the final decision to go back to school to make a better life for my husband and I... and our future family. But I don't think Justin realizes that I can't just breeze through school and get my degree. I have to work my butt off! I am so tired of everything that is going on right now. There are some days when I just want to throw up my hands and say "I quit!" to school, to church, to all the things I have commited myself too. Today is just one of those days that I want to quit... and give up. Days like today are days when I feel like God is testing me... and frankly I hate it. I'm ready for a new life. I'm tired of looking at other people's lives and saying "Why not me?" Why can't we get out of this rut? Why can't we get out of this hole we have dug for ourselves? I have cried out for my Lord so many times, and even though I know He hears me... it doesn't feel like He's listening. I need a day of good things. Why does earth have to be so crappy? Days like today I want to grab Eve and slap her a few good times. I'm just ready for some changes. I'm thankful we have a roof over our heads and that we have food to eat... but I'm just hoping we continue to have those things.
Also, two days from now would have been my Papaw's 84th birthday... I miss you Papaw, Happy Birthday!